The root causes could be stemming from you
Narcissists, sociopaths, emotionally and physically abusive partners… over and over again you keep ending up in toxic relationships.
But why? Why can’t you seem to learn your lesson? Why do you attract such toxic partners?
One reason is that it is easy to forget that our strengths can be used against us just as easily as our weaknesses.
For example, if you are someone that is kind and compassionate you are going to want to help the people you care about. This is an amazing quality to have, but when someone toxic recognizes this trait you instantly become more appealing in their eyes.
I used to always attract toxic people into my life. I thought that due to being kind, always putting others first, and being extremely empathetic that I would attract similarly minded individuals. The opposite was true.
After multiple abusive and toxic relationships, I realized that I had to figure out why I was constantly attracting this energy into my life. I began to identify the traits within myself so that I could figure out how to prevent it from continuing to happen in my life.
Here are some of the root causes as to why you may be continually attracting toxic relationships into your life.
You struggle with codependency
Often, people are codependent and don’t even realize it.
They view themselves as loving and willing to go above and beyond for someone that they care about but what they don’t realize is that they lack self-love.
“Codependency is characterized by a person belonging to a dysfunctional, one-sided relationship where one person relies on the other for meeting nearly all of their emotional and self-esteem needs.” — PsychCentral
If you believe that you need another person to make yourself whole then toxic people are going to be able to pick up on those insecurities. You will find that you are pouring all of your attention and energy into someone who doesn’t reciprocate.
You ignore your gut instincts
A toxic relationship doesn’t start with the abuser bursting out of the gates screaming and beating their victims.
Instead, it begins with a slow burn of manipulation. If their target is uneducated on emotional abuse and tactics such as gaslighting, love-bombing, and stonewalling then it will be even easier for them to pull at their strings.
Not all red flags are obvious. In fact, they are often so subtle you barely notice them.
They are in the way someone ignores you to ensure you want them more, or in the way they begin to silo you into their life so that you lose connection with your own.
You don’t have relationship standards
Some people will claim that you should give everyone a chance. I completely disagree.
If you don’t have criteria for the people you let walk into your life, how are you going to keep bad ones from continuously slipping through the cracks?
Having a list of your personal standards and what you will and will not tolerate in a relationship isn’t being picky. Remember that some people are dangerous/toxic and don’t deserve a chance and it’s up to you to identify those behaviors.
You believe you won’t get anyone better
Throughout the years I have been in toxic relationships and have had friends fall into them as well.
Many of them are still in their toxic relationships. In moments of despair and unhappiness, I always ask them why they don’t leave and the reason is always the same. They claim that they don’t want to date again and start over because they won’t find anyone better.
It’s complete and utter bullshit and it also falls into the codependency realm.
When someone is terrified of being alone they are much more prone to stay in a bad situation.
You don’t put your needs first
It is not selfish to have your own life, own friends, and own hobbies. In fact, it is what a healthy partner should encourage and do themselves.
People end up in toxic relationships because they lose themselves. They lose sight of what they need, and who they are because they put their worth into another person.
If you are able to identify your behaviors you can begin to change them so that you don’t continue to repeat your past history over and over again.
When someone learns how to indulge in some self-love and learns how to have a good relationship with themselves they will also learn that they never need to settle.