When you are in a long-term relationship your sex life is going to constantly change and evolve.
Think about it. When you first get together you and your partner are navigating a new relationship so everything is new and exciting.
Then a year, or two, or ten goes by. Even though you love your partner and still think that they are the cat’s meow your sex life may sometimes feel like a pale imitation of what it used to be.
I’ve had to do a lot of expectation setting with myself. I’m a hopeless romantic and it’s easy to look back at the beginning sexual part of a relationship with rose-colored glasses.
What we have to remember is that our libidos can be… well, complicated. At times our desire can be all-consuming. At other times it can feel like a chore to be intimate with our partner, or one person may want to get it on while the other simply isn’t feeling it.
That is completely normal but if you set expectations you can better handle the sexual ebb and flow that comes with a long-term monogamous relationship.
Accept it’s not the honeymoon phase anymore
I was absolutely terrified for this part of my relationship to be over. I love the honeymoon phase. For most of my dating life, I was addicted to the beginning part of a relationship.
Now, don’t get me wrong, those initial butterflies are great and fun, and wondrous.
But what comes after can be great too if it’s with the right person. Yes, it is likely that you aren’t constantly going to jump each other’s bones as you did at the beginning of your relationship. But once you get close to someone and figure out their fantasies and sexual preferences it evolves into something more intimate.
Don’t get upset that things are different, instead, look at it as a chance to explore so many new things with your partner because you are comfortable and open with them.
Be willing to compromise on your libido
I have a friend that is crazy in love with her partner of six years. However, she was going absolutely insane in the first few months of their relationship because he wanted to have sex ten times a day (literally) and would wake her up in the middle of the night.
Not only was she horribly sore but she was also sleep deprived so she was ready to murder her boyfriend.
She finally talked to him and was honest and they set some sexual boundaries which were essential to their relationship.
Imagine if that behavior would have continued. My friend would have likely murdered her boyfriend or she would have let her health and feelings take a backseat to his sexual libido that didn’t quite match hers.
Don’t put your sex life on the back burner
It’s easy to fall into a habit of snuggles and falling asleep next to each other. Although this has a time and a place, you need to ensure that you and your partner are still pleasuring each other sexually.
Sometimes getting in the mood requires you to put a little effort into it. I like to think of it as a workout. There are times that I feel sluggish and have to push myself but I never regret it.
It’s the same thing with sex. You may be tired, grumpy, or just not feeling it but there are going to be times when just have maintenance sex will make you feel closer to your partner and most likely put you in a better mental space.
Identify if it’s low libido or a health issue
A decrease in the quantity in a long term relationship is normal because it is usually replaced with quality if you are both communicating and ensuring to keep that bond strong.
Also, people have different libidos and it’s rare to find two people that have the same exact sex drive, one person usually wants it more often than the other.
However, if you feel absolutely miserable and something is off taking a look at anything that could be affecting your hormones.
Personally, I realized that synthetic birth control was making me act completely irrational. Things such as depression, stress, or anxiety can also put a huge damper on getting in the mood.
By communicating with your partner, paying attention to your body, and setting expectations you can ensure that your libido doesn’t ruin your sex life, instead, you make it work to your advantage.