Or was it nothing but smoke and mirrors?
The roller coaster has come to a stop and you have stepped off of the ride because you couldn’t do it anymore. You are through with the abuse, the manipulation and the pain that you have endured for far too long.
Yet, a question still arises more often than you would like it to. A question that haunts you almost constantly especially in the first few days and weeks after deciding to leave.
Was I ever loved at all or was it all a lie?
It’s a question that I used to ask myself when I looked back at the volatile relationship I had with a narcissist. Did he love me or was it all a lie? Was I nothing but another source of supply among dozens of other women?
So if you’re wondering the same thing that I did… here are some points to consider.
They didn’t even know you.
Think about this for a second. You were completely love-bombed in the beginning by the narcissist. They pursued you and built you up on a pedestal when they had no idea who you even were.
You were presented with a false face that you did actually fall in love with them. You fell in love with the person that they showed you that they were, and you fell in love with the life that they promised you… But they didn’t take the time to get to know you.
Instead, they were able to get you to reciprocate the feelings that you thought were real, and which were real to you… while they were just feeding their narcissistic supply.
They view relationships as their gain.
To a narcissist, a relationship is a surefire way to get what they want. By playing a game with you they get to see if they can win your love and pull you under their spell, which is a fun challenge for them.
By seducing you with their flattery, and romantic gestures, in the beginning, they know that no matter what happens in the months after… you will most likely stay.
From there, they will get to be in control, tout their power over you, and have you fulfill their sexual needs as well as provide them companionship… on their terms of course.
They desire attention and validation.
Unlike many of us who long for true companionship and love… A narcissist isn’t necessarily seeking the same thing.
They want people to adore them. They want validation that they are amazing and the best because it feeds their grandiose aspirations.
But love? That’s something that seems to evade them. They may like the idea of it but because they are selfish and unable to put their own needs aside they are unable to truly comprehend what a functional and compromising relationship looks like…
Because they thrive on the chaos.
They can’t maintain long relationships.
The beginning of a relationship is usually easier for narcissists. They know that they can unload their affection and jump into the beginning stages of rose-colored glasses and constant intimacy.
Things change when their partner begins to want more from them especially emotionally. The narcissist will begin to lose interest because they want to be in power and refuse to be vulnerable.
At this point, you will likely either be discarded, or they will use you for a side source of supply while pursuing new and more exciting, sexual and romantic opportunities.
There are too many hurdles.
There are so many roadblocks in the way of love when it comes to a relationship with someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
At their core, a narcissist doesn’t have a strong sense of self. They don’t know how to truly love someone else because they view people as their source of supply instead of viewing them as an equal.
Due to the many defense mechanisms and walls that have been constructed a narcissist has put themselves in their own loveless prison. They project their insecurities, self-doubt, and contempt on the people that care about them because they refuse to let anyone in.
Which brings us back to the original question. Did the Narcissist ever love you?
Simply by looking at the history of the relationship, you should be able to come to this conclusion yourself.
Were you treated disrespectfully? Were you abused? Were you discarded for someone else after being promised the world? Were you love-bombed? Were you constantly critiqued and put down?
None of those things are love. If you experienced them then you know in your heart that the Narcissist never loved you because they did not treat you with love and compassion.
It is time to let go of this thought because it is a reality that you can never change. Once you let go and take control of your life again you will begin to heal.