It feels impossible to leave and it feels impossible to stay
Things will be different this time.
It’s become your personal mantra. The words that you repeat to yourself over and over after every episode of abuse, whether it be emotional or physical.
There is a whisper in the back of your mind to remind you after every altercation… there is still enough good to stay.
This belief is at your very core because if you didn’t believe it… you would have left by now.
Constantly the images replay in your head. The first nights you spent at his house, the sweet kisses, the sweet words that were whispered in your ear.
Your first place together, buying furniture together for your life together…
Slowly those images have been replaced with new ones.
At first, it was just normal fighting. After all, couples always fight, in any relationship.
It didn’t alarm you because you thought it was a natural progression out of the “honeymoon” stage of your relationship.
Then he came home after too many drinks and smashed a lamp over your head.
He said words that you can’t manage to allow to surface again because they were so cruel and so painful.
Suddenly the normal is constant yelling and fighting. Kisses have been replaced with bruises, and the sweet words have been replaced with stinging critiques.
Yet he is sorry just enough. Sometimes regret flashes across his face when he pushes you too hard and he pulls you into his arms. He kisses you and promises that it won’t happen again and things will get better.
The first few times you believe him. But then it happens again and again and again with less and less time in between.
Slowly a thought begins to form. The thought you have kept trying to push away, the thought that you don’t want to admit to yourself.
Things aren’t going to get better.
The bond that has been created is unlike one you have ever experienced and even though it should be easy to leave you just cannot stop returning because of the strong pull between the two of you.
You told the world that this person was your “forever.” You thought that he was yours forever.
But now… you can’t bear the thought of leaving and you can’t bear the thought of staying.